Nearing the end!

So I'll be 39 weeks pregnant on Wednesday - I'm basically there, in fact I'm a little surprised it hasn't arrived already! Je suis enorme, and pretty uncomfortable but it's funny how you just sort of become resound to your state... Psychologically you're amazingly prepared for labour as you just absolutely don't want to be pregnant anymore - though no doubt that little event is still going to be a complete shock to the system. I began to cope a little better once I stopped work at 36+ weeks, this took the pressure off me in that I didn't feel so deeply frustrated that I couldn't sleep properly at nights - 'cos nights are utterly shit, up and down like a yo-yo, aches and pains like an old granny, and braxton bloody hicks.

So - I had all these fabulous plans for activities during maternity leave before bubba arrived but cos I'm generally pretty immobile there's only so much I can do :(. Done some art, a bit of work, played thousands of games of scrabble, backgammon and cribbage... and cleaned/washed and washed again. OH, by contrast, has done a lot of gardening! The most frustrating thing is that I really didn't want to feel that I was 'waiting', but unfortunately this has been unavoidable... we are both, very much, 'waiting' to meet this little thing... And it's about damn time it came out!

A little lonely, isolated and banned from sugar to boot!

Now 31 weeks and not feeling amazing again and feeling pretty enormous. From the pictures here you can see much I've grown - midwife say my tummy is measuring the same as someone 7 wks ahead of me! Went for yet another scan today and was told fibroids are not growing that much but that I needed to cut back on the sugar. Now, in view of the fact that all lovely things like alcohol, certain cheeses etc are already banned - how do they expect someone like me, with such a sweeeeeeet tooth, is going to cope with not eating sugar? And that, on top of feeling pretty isolated at the moment ain't gonna help me grow in confidence and happiness now is it! Good news is that baby is fine, as it always has been - despite the fact that it's all getting pretty packed in there now with 6 fibroids and one fast-growing bubba.
So, I'm still of the opinion that being pregnant is utter crap and as someone usually not too moody at all I have definitely been affected by the hormonal downs of this situation. I must be such fun to live with. Last night, OH came home and chatted to me for about 30 minutes and then spent the rest of the evening playing on his PS3. I am clearly dull company too at times it seems. I've noted that the only people really who text me/call to check I'm ok are people who've had babies recently and have some level of empathy... oh, and my mother of course! Non-baby friends appear to have lost interest - fair enough really, there's nothing more boring than a moaning pregnant lady.
So, how does one stop oneself from feeling sorry for oneself? Well, for starters, I've got to find more distractions in the evenings as this is definitely when I feel the worst physically. Bubba also becomes incredibly active to the extent where relaxing is rendered impossible. Mornings are the time to get things done so that I can treat myself without guilt in the evenings/afternoons perhaps. Next post will be more positive.

Feeling better

People keep saying I'm looking, that old cliche, 'blooming', and whilst part of me wants to check them and tell them I'm really disliking being pregnant and have had some horrid times, I'm also aware that I am feeling a lot better. I think the last time someone said I was looking 'blooming' I responded by saying 'the next person that says that will get a punch in the face'. I didn't mean it, but erm... hormones, maybe I did. 26 weeks today makes bubba about 10inches from head to rump and she/he is incredibly active - I'm kicked regularly but most noticeably in the evenings between about 9:30 and 11... The mornings are particularly good, but some afternoons I'm prone to my whole stomach cramping up and the fibroids pushing very uncomfortably against my ribs. But still, not the shit I had before, oh no!

This new lease of life is enabling me to get on a bit better with work tasks etc... It's also allowing time to reflect upon my future work-life balance. Being moralised at by a colleague's wife yesterday, about how she thought there was far too much pressure on mum's to return back to work quickly and that they might regret not spending lots of time with little children, made me even more certain that I wanted to return to f/t work no later than 6mths after bubba is here. Of course, I do not yet know how I'm going to react to it... who does at this stage? But I guess by the age of 32 you do have some inkling about how you're going to feel.

I've conducted this great survey collecting advice from friends about key things to buy, advice for last few weeks of pregnancy, the birth and the first few weeks after... I'm so impressed by peoples' openness, passions and warmth. I was also not entirely surprised to learn that people have very different ways of dealing with things, for example there seemed to be a fairly significant difference of opinion about how to go about routine after the baby arrives... Reading this made me think again about what sort of mother I thought I might end up being - I've decided that it's utterly fruitless aspiring or hoping to be a particular 'type' of parent, I think you just emerge as one according to your own personality and experiences.

The other thing this survey and recent events have made me reflect upon is how I've begun to cope much better with the idea of not being in control - an alien concept for me (as it is for many women I should imagine) at the beginning. It's truly quite a transformation to undergo and initially I fought the abandonment process (as I did the pain, not the way to deal with that I can tell you), and I do still seek control in key areas of my life, but anything to do with pregnancy/baby I think you just have to resound yourself to accepting fate... Ahh, that's so damned difficult...

Finally - another strange phenomenon - I thought I'd hate it when people come up to me and feel this hard-rock of an expanding stomach, but no, I don't mind it that much at all. Weird eh?

So, to conclude, a more positive last couple of weeks. YEH!

Pregnancy posting

Back in May 2006 I posted a blog entry entitled 'to baby or not to baby' about whether or not to have children... At the beginning of this year I started writing short book on this topic, I may post some of it up here one day - I got about halfway through. Needless-to-say I was trying to work out whether it was really for me and when would be the right time etc...

In July of this year I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't planned at all and was of course a bit of a surprise, but then again, we were taking risks - and we were both complicit in this. It's almost as if deep down our bodies had decided that the time was right though our minds may not have. Interestingly we didn't even discuss not having it, it was as if it was a non-issue. Still, that doesn't mean to say it didn't screw with my mind quite considerably - and if I think about it too much, it still hurts my head.

So now I'm just over 21 wks pregnant. We've had 3 scans all in all (including nuchal fold & anomaly) and, those, together with my fast expanding stomach, suggest to me that this is really happening.

The first 3 mths were ok, I wasn't sick at all (although I felt a little icky now and then, but nothing that a bunch of grapes couldn't sort), and wasn't too tired. These last few weeks, however, have been pretty awful - almost as if I'm being punished for having it easier earlier on. Intense pains in my back, legs, pelvis and lower stomach - and that coupled with having 5 fibroids, 2 the size of small oranges, means that I'm not so comfortable, have to take lots of paracetamol etc. and sleep very poorly. So I've been ranting a lot about this, bending the ear of anyone who makes the serious mistake of asking me how I am.

HOWEVER, I have decided that one pain-management technique (as well as physio etc.) has to be changing my mental attitude. This blog will therefore now provide the space for this. Over the next few weeks I plan to post pictures and positive thoughts, if only for the sake of this little creature inside of me. It might be that someone else reading this has found pregnancy considerably harder or at least different from friends/textbooks, and are also looking for ways forward...

At the end of the day I am an incredibly lucky person and we are genuinely extremely excited about our future sprog - it's just this feeling is somewhat dampened when I'm not well, when I'm in so much pain that my mind drifts off to radical pain relief techniques like jumping off a cliff (this is a joke of course, but the desperation at that point is concerning). I want some humour too, and so I'll go looking for that - it's clear this post has been entirely devoid of it! Ha ha.

Expose the ignorant atheist haters!

I came across this article in the guardian this weekend: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2008/oct/24/atheism-religion and I couldn't decide whether to be more amused or appalled by the blatant inaccuracies and untruths. Luckily, some eloquent commentators have picked up upon her falsities, but simultaneously the odd lunatic has jumped to her defence. Sifting through the comments and not wishing to repeat any of the obvious points, my concern would be her insensitive interchanging of the notion of humanist and atheist. Not all atheists would claim to be humanists, and I think this is an important distinction that she fails to make. Humanism is a philosophy and it is a much debated one, and not all humanists have the same position in relation to world religions - though many would take the atheist stance. I think Richard Dawkins' 7 point scale of position in relation to the existence of God(s), described in The God Delusion (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_God_Delusion) is a useful point to start...
My second point would be her ignorant portrayal of humanist funerals. I have not been to many, but I have met a number of others who have (including BHA officiants who have taken these). They are incredibly personal and sensitive celebrations of peoples' lives - in stark contrast to the church funerals I have attended. Two recent church funerals I've attended included vicars: (a) getting the name of the deceased wrong; (b) taking the opportunity to chastise the partner of the deceased for not believing in god; (c) indulging in speaking at length about the relationship he had with the deceased and down-playing the relationship friends and family had had. Humanist ceremonies - whether weddings, namings or funerals - are about celebrating life, they are about hope and they are about the ability of human beings to make this world a better place - because we are human and not because of any deity. Simple as really. But it is very much mistaken to assume all atheists or agnostics subscribe to this philosophy.

Two complaints to two big companies, is this healthy?

I am fast turning into someone Alan Bennett might write about, a lady of letters of sorts. I am both embarrassed and pleased by my overwhelming desire to fight consumer injustice.
1. THREE (the mobile phone company): Over 4 years ago I had a £99 friends and family 3 month trial. I returned the phone and cancelled the contract after a couple of months in view of the fact that few people had 3G phones yet. I then received a load of fabricated bills from 3 - which, after long discussions with customer services turned out to be the result of a 'massive computer error' and was assured that my account had been closed and that I owed nothing.
Last week I got phoned up by a debt collecting agency informing me that I owed 3 £113.40. I basically told them it was a load of bollox but went through quite a lot of stress and time speaking to people who hadn't got a clue what I was talking about in India, emailing/writing and not being able to access Head Office. After a couple of days I finally got a response and apology, and eventually the issue was resolved... After a bit of a fuss and an insulting offer of £30, I got sufficient compensation.
2. GINSTERS: I bought a Ginsters sausage roll - it was full of gristle, disgusting. I sent it back to them. They sent me a £5 postal order for my troubles, nice.

No longer the secret keeper

Four years ago I spoke to a complete stranger for the first time about some very upsetting events in my family history. This person told me how this situation would always affect me, because I would always be the secret keeper.

Today, amidst fits of giggles about my consumer-rights-ness, I admitted to my extremely patient and gorgeous taller half that I had attempted to begin a blog. I am no longer the secret keeper.

Ahhhhh, seriously, this blog is to come back to life! I have some stories, some weird people to write about, and some truths to tell (albeit anonymously). A tv researcher contacted me through this blog asking for me to be part of a forthcoming documentary about complainers… sorry, not my thing. For starters, I think there are people far worse than me, and anyway, ranting is not the same as complaining.